The Evolution of Me

This blog post owes all it's credit to the blog of one of the English faculty of WKU, and my former adviser, Molly McCaffrey: I Will Not Diet.

As well as these three posts:
Me: The History of A Word 
Heather: F***ing Body Image
Me: Remembering to Be Thankful

I was on facebook this evening, just generally avoiding homework as any good college student would do, when I saw a link to a new post on I Will Not Diet.  Now, before today I had read a few articles here and there on this blog but I had not really followed it. I think that shall change after today. One of my friends said Dr. McCaffrey's blog changed her life.  I even contributed to one blogpost: Happy blogoversary! 

I want to tell the story of my own struggle with weight:

As a child I was always very pudgy.  I had never really thought about, but I wasn't really that overweight. My mom always said I just hadn't grown into my weight, hadn't lost my baby fat.  Well, one day when I was in sixth grade my father told me I was getting fat and needed to lose weight. I was utterly devastated. Honestly, I do not remember much past that simple fact.  I hoped to lose weight. I never thought about doing anything drastic, but, Lord it hurt.

Not long after that, I grew into my weight.  I went from being chunky to weighing 110 pounds. I mean skinny. Review image to the left.  That was my senior year. Then I married.  And became a college freshman.  So I gained the freshman 15 and the married 15.  Thirty pounds in such a short time I'm not sure how I managed to not notice until suddenly my pants wouldn't fit over my bum and my shirts were too short because I suddenly had boobs! Right: me a year later.

 The crazy thing is, at first my weight gain didn't bother me. My husband loved it.  I bought new clothes.  Friends from high school saw me and commented on how much better I looked.  My family said I no longer looked like a bean pole or anorexic. My favorite comment would be a friend in Walmart who loudly announced that my new curves, bum and boobs looked amazing.  As I said, it was a change and it didn't seem to bother me.

Fast forward another two years, some more weight.  I was beginning to reach the 160 area and was noticing it. My thighs, already large, were getting bigger.  The new clothes weren't fitting as well.  The bras weren't fitting.  My stomach... oh the stomach.  I ignored it.  The nurse commented on my weight gain.  And then one day I stepped on the scale and I weighed 170 pounds.  Nope, I could no longer ignore this.  I was gaining quite a bit of weight and I was way over my healthy weight.  I am only 5 feet, 7 inches.  So I'm supposed to be around 130ish. I became self-conscious in ways I never was before.  I worried about my weight and my stomach chubbyness most of all. I noticed other women who looked so much better than me.  The envy set in.  Ooooh the envy for a better body. Pinterest sucks by the way.

I did decide to do something.  I lost weight by exercising and cutting back on fast food last summer. I'm down to 155 pounds.  I lost 15 in about three months. I was very, very proud of that.  I didn't diet.  I have never ever believed in all these stupid diets. I knew that just because you quit for a bit and drastically lost weight, doesn't mean you won't gain it back the instant you go back to normal habits.  I wanted to change.

Since last summer, I haven't managed to do anything.  I have basically quit exercising.  It's depressing but I tend to have problems finding the time. Of course, that's also procrastination on my part.  I love to Zumba and to walk.  Walking is much harder to do when it's freezing outside.  At the moment, I've hit a stalemate. That and fast food is soooo easy during the semester.  My husband still tells me I'm beautiful.  But some days I have a really hard time believing it.  Not to mention my acne has taken a major turn for the worse.

One day I mentioned this, and my friend Heather let me have it.  She posted that beautiful blog and dedicated it to me. I squalled.  And I felt beautiful.  I try to hold onto that most days.  Honestly, I don't ever want to be skinny as a rail again. Or a bean pole.  I love my curves. I just want a few less in certain areas.  Have I mentioned my stomach? And my thighs?  But mostly, I want to be healthy. I want to walk up the hills at WKU without being out of breath.  I want to want to exercise.  I want my future children to be healthy, to like sports, to be active.

I'm working on accepting myself and changing my habits. I'm working on feeling beautiful daily.  I don't wear makeup most of the time, because I just don't like it. It's annoying and I've always found it bothersome.  I prefer to show the world my natural face, but some days makeup is a lovely thing (of course I own... lip gloss. So if I want makeup I have to bother my friend Nikki!)  I want to be healthier and lose about 15 more pounds.  I want to be in shape. So I shall end this with a few pictures that make me feel beautiful. Here's to the future me, and my new attitude.